The Golden Net or Hephaestus' Revenge
by TheMitmit
Summary: The story of Hephaestus trying to divorce Aphrodite for her infidelity, which backfires horribly. Contains rather humorous slash, in my opinion. But don't read it just for that! It's not explicit.


Ganymedes was stricken as usual by Hephaestus and his beloved pessimism. He gave a sigh at Hephaestus' disheveled appearance and let out a pitying groan. "Heph, how can you believe that? She's your wife!"

"I overheard them," Hephaestus said stonily, picking at his worn down fingernails. "I'm her punishment for sleeping around too much. He's such a hypocrite. Damn Zeus."

Ganymedes blushed, twirling his blond hair. "Don't say that."

Hephaestus tapped his cane on the stone floor in such a way to convey his sarcasm. He was sitting on a large red cushion in front of the fireplace, Ganymedes leaning against a stone pillar. The two misfits of Olympus; the cripple and the many a discarded lover of Zeus. Hephaestus scratched his stubbled chin.

"You could've been King of Troy you know," he said musingly. "No kids, (obviously) to start a war with Athens if you were in charge."

"Thanks for that," Ganymedes said glumly, "But I'd rather have immortality." Hephaestus laughed and lay back on the cushions.

"Just you wait, immortality gets boring as Hades after the first millennia. _Why_ do we create all this drama? Because we have nothing better to do!" Hephaestus sighed gruffly and turned his back to the fire, like a cat warming itself. Ganymedes tentatively sat next to him, his face shining in the orange light.

"I didn't want to tell you this," he said nervously, "but Helios saw something." He took a deep breath. "He saw Aphrodite and Ares...together."

Hephaestus bolted upright from his resting place. "How do you mean 'together?'"

"Um." Ganymedes rubbed the back of his neck and blushed. "Sleeping...together."

Hephaestus was silent.

Hephaestus was silent again.

His eye twitched.

"That little bitch," he said quietly. "It's over. It's over!"

"Heph, let's not be rash," Ganymedes' said slowly, as if talking to a man about to jump off a building. "Don't forget—she, she's Aphrodite!"

"I don't care if she's Hera!" An evil grin suddenly passed over Hephaestus' face.

"I know," he said, still with the deranged smile, "I'll catch them, just like catching a fish!"

Ganymedes' eyes widened. He put a hand on one of Hephaestus' uneven shoulders.

"I know I can't stop you, but just...be careful, right?"

"Yeah...sure," Hephaestus brightly conceded, "I'll be careful." This promise lasted for about twenty minutes.

"Girls!" he said to his gleaming gold servants, "We're making genius tonight!"

Meanwhile, back atop Olympus, Aphrodite was making sweet love to a hairy barbarian. This was Ares. He was a god. She was a goddess too, though she was more often called a whore. Hephaestus was thinking of this as he morosely forged his golden scheme.

"Oh woe is me that I had to marry this bitch!" he cried. "I wanted Athena, but _no_, I had to be seduced by Miss Hot-pants!" He stopped, wiping his brow. "That's a good nickname," Hephaestus muttered. "She burns."

That night Aphrodite and Ares awoke in Hephaestus' golden net.

"Shit!"

"_Asshole!_" They struggled futilely before Hephaestus' amused, cruel gave. He laughed.

"Kiss me now, why don't you?" he sneered, Aphrodite pressed herself against the net. Ares growled.

"Get me out of here, you ass!" Hephaestus gave a glassy smile.

"No. I like you in there. Quite attractive."

"I'll do whatever you want, just stop!" Aphrodite screeched. Hephaestus merely continued smiling.

"I've called all of Olympus here to watch you," he continued. "Everyone will see your shame."

"_I hate you!_" Aphrodite squirmed, squishing Ares into the mesh. Hephaestus actually giggled.

"Heph, what's going on?" Apollo entered, followed by an entourage of Athena, Hermes, Zeus, Poseidon, and many more. Apollo's eyes widened.

"I think you went a bit far..." he muttered. Hephaestus grinned triumphant.

"Behold! _Now_ you see my proof! Here is the dowry!" He motioned at a golden chest. "Take it, oh King of the Universe, Zeus!"

Zeus stared at the two netted lovers, caught in the act. He put a hand on his hip.

"And? You resulted from Hera going behind my back."

"I did not," Hephaestus said hotly. "She says no one touched her. And you'd think I should be owed _something!_" He threw down his cane. The crowd began to laugh.

"Hey, you'd think he'd be happy." Hermes nudged Apollo. "Get in on the action, you know what I mean?" Apollo nodded sadly. He was really beginning to think Heph had lost his sanity.

"You threw me off a cliff, Zeus!" Hephaestus shouted. "I'm crippled!" Zeus' eyes narrowed.

"You're a bastard and always will be." Zeus said quietly. Hephaestus was almost on the verge of tears.

"Please. Why don't any of you _do_ something?" he pleaded, staring wildly at the crowd. "I made that armor you're wearing, I made your swords. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Give her a kiss and make up!" Dionysus giggled, breaking the silence. They all laughed.

"Fine," Hephaestus whispered. "I don't need you." He awkwardly bent over and picked up his cane. A crushed look was on his face as he dragged his feet out of the room, a bitter lump in his throat. Apollo gave the rest of the gods a glare.

"He does make everything you use, and you don't give him one bit of gratitude!" He took a ragged breath. "How dare you!" Apollo stomped his foot. The rest shifted uncomfortably. He raised his head, eyes shining glassily.

"He was faithful to her." He pointed at the wriggling Aphrodite. "And she humiliated him!" He gave the gods one last look before walking after Hephaestus. Turning the corner, Apollo found him sobbing.

"They—they _laughed_ at me," he cried. "I was a joke!" He buried his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking. Apollo gave him a tight hug.

"Forget them _and_ Zeus," he said. "They're idiots. At least, _I_ appreciate you." Hephaestus looked up at him.

"She's never slept with me," he muttered. "And..." he turned his head, embarrassed. "I haven't slept with anyone. Ever."

"What...you're a _virgin?_" Apollo wasn't surprised, the way Hephaestus was wound up so tight. Apollo hugged him tighter.

"Dear me, no wonder you're so angry." Hephaestus rolled his eyes at this.

"Yeah, _that's_ why," he said acidly. Apollo let go of Hephaestus and sighed.

"Look," he said, "I'll be willing to...you know." Apollo blushed. Hephaestus raised an eyebrow.

"And what? Out of pity?"

_Yes_, Apollo thought. But instead he said carefully, "No. Because I like you." He smiled.

"Thank you," Hephaestus said laconically. "My place or yours?"


End file.
